everything here is wonderful

I absolutely love old maps.  I think that's something I got from my dad.  We used to have tons of old maps in the rafters of the basement.  It broke my heart a little to learn my mom got rid of them a few years ago before I had a chance to get my hands on them.  And when I moved in to my new house there were a few old maps/street grids of Cleveland hanging on the bin to the old coal bin-SCORE!

So when I saw this print, I kind of fell in love a little bit.  They also have one for my other favorite city, Austin.  


do these make my thighs look fat?

Oh Gap. How I love your skinny jeans (in the darkest wash only).
But seriously in Easter Egg colors? Those pants are puckering and pulling on the model.  Do you honestly expect them to make a normal sized human being look like anything other than a lumpy mess?
The models look like they have cellulite and thick thighs and those girls probably haven't eaten anything other than lettuce and cigarettes since 2009-the year they hit puberty.


Sunday Bacon

That face.  It kills me.
I am headed to Florida later this week to visit with Mom (I am sure I will have some great judgement stories or stories of her trying to set me up with any man in the Villages under the age of 60 when I get back) and I am so going to miss this face.  


who cares how cute he is, he's 21!!!!

This past weekend I learned something new--the headshake of disapproval from Shibani might be worse than one could imagine.  Yes, I have the social skills of a 5th grader.  No, I don't care how good you set up an opening for me, I will be mute.  And then I will make out with his dog.  


Sunday Bacon

Someone's embarrassed they got caught reading fashion magazines.  I mean, who reads magazines anymore?! And Marie Claire? That's almost as bad as getting caught taking fashion advice from Glamour. 


it's just a little crush...

In honor of Valentine’s Day I am going to take a moment to talk about a some of my crushes of the moment.

Bowling crush---ah C, with your crappy ½ sleeve tattoo and your handlebar mustache and plugs.  While you are too tall, too skinny, and have too much hair on your head to fit my normal crush profile I find myself oddly attracted to your uber-hipster self.  You are funny, you like similar bad 80’s/90’s music and you like to do multiple fireball shots on Tuesday nights.  Yep, I am sure my mom would just love you.

Work crush---no, not the same one.  This one is a tad bit more inappropriate in so many ways.  

Doggie Day care crush—You had me at “I have a Boston too.”  Your beard, your sleeves, your non-traditional job.  What’s that you say, you play in a band? 

Local chef crush---another boy, another beard.  And you like to cook (I mean it is your job and all). How could I not want to make out with you?!  But please quit posting about your mom on Facebook.

Yoga instructor crush---Your calves are insane.  Your body is kind of hot.  And you're flexible.  And you could help me get a hot yoga booty. I see this as a win win.

Random bearded ginger in Target---oh how I love a ginger.  And a beard.  Combine them together and I am ready to have babies named Madigan, McKenna, Finnegan, and Fallon with you.

Friend crush---this one is the worst and most frustrating one of all and the biggest actual real live wanna make out and cuddle while listening to bands I have never heard of while you judge me for never having heard of them and have you fix stuff in my house kind of crush. Instead of telling you about my crush on you, I will text you about The Walking Dead or something stupid.  

Happy Valentine's Day!


Sunday Bacon

A double dose today.

Sometimes you need extra Bacon.  


more fun with my mother

I hate tax season.  But not for the reasons one might think.  I hate tax season because that means my mom goes to her accountant and then for months after she talks about how I should date her accountant's son.  This has been going on for the last 10 years....no joke, 10 years!  Even when I was with someone, she still would try and sell me on this guy.  I guess she hates my taste in men too. 

Here are some of the selling points she gave me on why I should date her accountant's son: 
  • We went to the same college.  Just not at the same time.  He is a few years older so I don't know him or would have even ever run in to him. If just going to the same college was a selling point, I should be glad I didn't go to a bigger school because she would be trying to set me up with anyone that ever graduated from there.
  • He has a phD.  In some science field.  Um...not sure why this is a selling point other than he has an advanced degree.  I am not a science person.  In college I took all the non lab science classes I could because I am a science idiot.
  • He has a house.  Granted it's his parents' old house so he didn't actually buy it.  His parents just moved in to a different one so he took theirs.  
  • He likes to cross breed orchids.  Yep, she used this as a selling point.  Am I 80?  Also, I kill plants.  Quickly.  With this point, I am pretty sure she wants to date him because she is the plant lady. Who cross breeds orchids?  I am afraid he might chloroform me and try to cross breed me.
  • And my favorite-----"He has a boat.  And you like water. "  This is seriously what she said.  Yeah, I like clear water like a pool.  And I like drinking on a pontoon boat on a small lake in Michigan.  What's that you say mom, he has a boat----well, we should get married!
I am sure that she will try to set me up with any male under the age of 60 at the pool in her retirement community when I go to visit her next month.  Stayed tuned.


Sunday Bacon

Bacon agrees, vertigo stinks!